A Prison Wife Worries about Her Upcoming Extended Family Visit

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Last month, I received an email from a prison wife named Jess D. She was extremely nervous about an upcoming 24-hour prison visit her and her daughter had been granted to spend time with her locked up husband.

Jess D's story is like that of numerous other prison wives who found themselves abandoned by family members because she chose to stick by her husband in jail. Even her in-laws seemed to be a bit passive about supporting her decision to take part in the overnight prison visit.

Please Advise Me on My Upcoming Extended Family Visit

With Jess D's permission, I've decided to publish the transcripts of our emails.

From Jess D. on March 25:

Good morning!!

My name is Jessica and I know your probably saying why is she emailing me. I was reading a article online that you had written about extended family visits at the prisons...

My husband is incarcerated for almost 2 years now and has been granted a visit with our daughter and myself for 24 hours. The visit starts tomorrow and I'm so nervous and a little scared. I keep going back and forth about going.

My daughter is 3 and knows she is having a sleep over with her daddy and says she wants to go and is excited but I'm just leery. She is very shy, quiet, and timid and I also am as well.

I have my in laws who are super protective not wanting me to go but will support my decision and as for my parents and friends well they all walked out on me because I decided to stand by my husband thru his incarceration.

Is there any even if its a little bit of advice? I understand if you don't write back or feel uncomfortable. I'm only reaching out be a use I just know nothing about any of this and the process and I'm just a nervous wreck..

Thank you,

Jess D

From Renee Patterson Writes on April 11:

Hey Jess,

I am so sorry. I am just now seeing your email. I truly apologize because I would have surely been there for you. If you still need to vent, talk or get some advise, please email my back. I'm here for you if you still need me.

Best Regards,

Renee Patterson

Renee Patterson Writes

From Jess D. on April 11:

Thank you so much for writing back!! We went to the extended family visit. I decided it was best for my daughter my husband and myself.

How silly it was for me to even be nervous or almost backing out and not even going. My husband made me so proud!! He made this 24 hour visit about being a father and doing all the things he needs to as a father.

He just was amazing and it just made me see first hand why we have stuck together and just what a amazing man he has grown into and is truly ready to just take care of his duties as a father husband and our support.

It was the best 24 hours I have had in 2 years and it just gave us so much confidence in our relationship and a lot of peace which we both needed. Ahh I'm glad things are taking a turn for the best finally. Thanks so much for taking the time to write be back it means a lot!

Jessica

From Renee Patterson Writes on April 11:

You are so welcome. I'm so glad things went well for you.

Would you mind if I posted these two emails you sent me on my blog? I would really love to share your story with my audience?

From Jessica D. on April 11:

I would be so honored if you did. This experience takes so much support and we all need to help each other thru this. Its the only way. Thank you so so much.

Please stay in contact with me. I just loved all your articles. They helped me make my decision and I'm so happy I did it. It helped our whole family and gave so much peace.

Extended Family Visits Keep the Family Structure Solid

As a prisoner's daughter, prison sister, prison cousin, prison niece, ex-prison fiance and all around prison loved one, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that prison visits are key to keeping these foundations solid. This is especially true when it comes to extended family visits.

Not everyone has the option, or privilege, of having extended family visits with their incarcerated loved ones. For one, only a handful of state prisons allow extended family visits, and federal prisons are totally against them altogether.

Rules and Regulations for Extended Family Visits

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Secondly, the state prisons that do allow extended family visits, have extremely strict rules and regulations. Oftentimes, prisoners don't qualify due to the natures of their crimes, or because of behavioral issues that have occurred since they've been locked up.

In CDCR prisons, for example, "lifers" are not allowed to have extended family visits. The same rule applies for CDCR prisoners locked up for domestic violence issues, or those with positive HIV statuses.

Then, there are the family members who don't qualify for various reasons. In some cases, it's just a matter of choice:

"I don't want to be locked up in a prison overnight."

"Do I really want to take my kids to a prison to be locked up for that long?"

"I can't imagine going that long without a drink or a cigarette." (This was me!)

(Image above from article entitled, "Sentence of 7-10 Years…Should She Wait for Him?)

I Really Need My Prison Mom

But, the bottom line is: Extended Family Visits are an essential part of maintaining a solid family structure.

Because of my choice to stop smoking cigarettes last year, I finally feel confident enough to have one of these overnight visits with my mom. I may be wrong, but I believe CDCR allows five (maybe) prison visitors on these visits at one time. If this is true, that's a whole-nother can of worms because I couldn't imagine sharing this precious time with my grandmother or aunts.

Regardless, I am down to spend some private, quality time with my mother. As a prison daughter, I'm here to tell you, not having her here in my life as a mother has been sheer hell. One night alone could heal a heck of a lot of wounds, because I need more prison mother more than anything else in this world.

Prison Stories by Renee Patterson Writes

Check out these great prison stories written by me, Renee Patterson. These prison eBooks are dedicated to prison loved ones all over the world.

What US States Allow Prison Conjugal Visits?

Currently, only six U.S. states allow prison conjugal visits within their prison systems: California, Connecticut, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York and Washington. Originally, prison conjugal visits were used as an incentive to motivate working prisoners to be more productive. They were scheduled visits that allowed the prison inmate to spend one-on-one time with his or her legal spouse. Prisoners were lured by the idea of having the opportunity to have sexual contact with their spouses. Today, the main purpose of these visits is to preserve the family unit. That is why they are now called Extended Family Visits. These visits can include the legal spouse, but are also open to other immediate family members, including the inmate's children.

The states that allow Extended Family Visits believe that preserving the bond of the family unit makes the chances of the inmates rehabilitation greater. It is also believed that it helps to lessen the chances of them reverting back to a life of crime and returning to prison after release. Protecting the family bond does not just benefit the inmate, it is also important to the spouse, children and other immediate family members. It allows them the chance to interact privately with each other, just as any other family does. Together, they can talk, laugh, watch television, read, play games, cook and eat in an atmosphere that resembles that of an actual home or hotel suite.

The visits take place on prison grounds in apartment-style homes, with one or more bedrooms. They are fully furnished and equipped with appliances and cooking and eating utensils. Usually, up to three visitors are allowed at a time. They are allowed to bring approved food items to cook together as a family. Depending on the state's policy, these visits can be anywhere from a few hours to 72 hours, and usually take place over the weekend.

Unified Policy

One unified policy that all six states agree on is that Extended Family Visits are “not a right, but a privilege.” Prisoners must earn the opportunity to participate in this program. They must be low-to-medium security level prisoners, with no history of disciplinary problems within the prison system. They cannot be incarcerated for violent offenses or have a history of child abuse or domestic violence. Prisoners being housed in maximum security level prisons are not eligible, even if they meet all other eligibility requirements. They must undergo testing for and be free of HIV and all STDs.

Visitors must also meet certain criteria. They must be approved by the state prison system for visits with the inmate. This requires passing an extensive criminal background check. For spouses, proof must be provided that a legal marriage exists. All other immediate family members must provide proof of their immediate relationship to the prisoner. While on prison grounds, visitors must follow all state prison visitor rules and regulations, including, but not limited to, dress codes. Prison visitors must undergo a full body search whenever they enter or leave the prison for Extended Family Visits.

Supporters of Extended Family Visits truly believe that they are detrimental to keeping families together and strong. Married couples get personal, quality time together. Parents and siblings get a chance to spend time with their loved ones. Incarcerated parents get full parental contact with their children. These privileged prison families get the opportunity to interact with each other like a “normal” family, if only for one weekend.

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Contact: Renee Patterson Writes
ReneePattersonWrites@gmail.com

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